Sunday, September 14, 2008

(Un)Sexy Mamma

I was at Liane's house today, and she pulled out the breast pump to start stimulating her breast milk. Jason walked in the room and said, "Oh great, that again." Liane replied, "Which do you think is sexier, seeing me pump milk or seeing me in my mesh underwear?" I thought that was hilarious and got me thinking about how unsexy being a mom is.

First, the whole pregnancy thing is terrible. You get fat and swollen and hormonal. At that point your husband definitely doesn't want to jump your bones. When women say that they feel sexy when they are pregnant, they certainly aren't pregnant with triplets!

Then, you squeeze the babies out of your va-jay-jay or have them cut out of you, which are both ugly experiences for your husband to have to witness. How could he ever want to go near that area again after seeing a human being emerge from there? I can hardly stand to think about it, and I didn't have to see it.

After giving birth, you come home in your mesh underwear, wearing maxi pads as large as adult diapers, and you are stretched out to kingdom come. If you've pushed them out the old fashioned way, you are ripped or cut in your nether regions. If you've had a c-section, you have an incision across the area, and all of your insides feel like jelly. I felt like every time I rolled over, all of my organs were sloshing around. It was so gross!

Then, the next stage is caring for the baby. During this time, you are usually covered in baby poop, vomit, snot, breast milk, formula, etc. Everyday your husband comes home from work and points to a mystery spot on you and asks, "What's that?" There's nothing sexier than having to explain that it's throw up from 6 hours ago that you have not had a chance to clean up yet.

As if having bodily fluid all over you isn't enough to make you look bad, you are typically wearing unattractive, unflattering clothes at this point because you don't want to get nasty stuff on your cute clothes. Who am I kidding? Your cute clothes doesn't even remotely fit you yet at this point.

There's also the bathing, or lack thereof. Sometimes, I go a couple of days without a shower because I simply don't have time. Yesterday, I wanted a shower so badly and had no time until 1:30 a.m. So at 1:30 in the morning, I took my darn shower.

If I'm showering at 1:30 in the morning, I'm obviously not sleeping very much. That then also leads to many unsexy things. When you don't sleep, you snap easily. Even the most minor things set me off. For example, Billy brought home bagels one day, and he left them on the counter. I asked him repeatedly to put them in freezer bags and into the freezer, but he did not. The next morning, the bagels were still on the counter, and I just about started to cry about it. The most ridiculous part of this is that I don't even eat the bagels-he's the bagel eater. If they were stale, it would be him eating stale bagels, not me.

Although the having bigger boobs part is somewhat sexy, the fact that they are filled with breast milk is completely unsexy. Also, they are so uncomfortable that you never want your husband to get anywhere near them. They are "hands off." It doesn't get much sexier than your husband wanting to grab a boobie, only to get shot in the eye with breast milk.

Your conversations start to revolve around all things baby, which again very not sexy. Our babies are stuffy right now so I have to put saline in their noses and suction out their boogers. Then, I shot the boogers out of the bulb on to a sheet of paper or tissue. I always show the big ones to Billy. There's nothing hotter than a show and tell booger conversation. When Billy comes home and asks how my day went, and I say, "Come see the boogers I got out of so and so's nose," that is definitely NOT sexy.

The unsexy moments continue to pile up every day. It's a miracle couples ever have a second child, since they must be so turned off by each other by the end of the first year. I guess that's why God made men want sex so much...without that urge to do it no matter how unsexy the circumstances, our world would be much less populated.


Becky said...

Oh, so true!!!

Kiki said...

This is not motivating me to have my first child! I more terrified than ever ;) Tell us about the sunny side of love after the first born, please!

Gina Wileman said...

Bill and I are cracking up!
The mesh underware! Who came up with those freaking things???